Sunday, June 05, 2005

Arranged and Love Marriages Part-V

The worst thing about a love marriage that ends up on the rocks is that parents get all huffy and judgemental. ‘We told you it wouldn’t work. Did you listen? We knew he wasn’t the right person. Now look where you are.’ Parents in such a situation do have a point. But they also need to rise above their own feelings of outrage and false pride and provide much needed empathy to a child who has made a mistake and is going through hell.

Love marriages may be more common now than they once were in our society, but that’s only because of increased mobility and access. Dating starts during the teenage years. Couples might see each other for close to a decade before tying the knot. But even such marriages can collapse, much to the parents’ dismay. ‘After ten long years you people still didn’t know what you were doing! Ridiculous!’

Parents must avoid this harsh judgement trap and extend a helping hand to an emotionally distressed offspring dealing with a broken marriage and much else. This is a time which can only be described as wretched. I know the feeling. I’ve gone through it myself.

Your self-worth is at its lowest and you’ve never felt as desperately alone. You also feel the entire world is sitting in judgement over what is a personal and painful decision. Friends take sides, cast aspersions, play the blame game. As for foes—they gloat and chortle with glee, while trading the ugliest rumours and theories as to why the marriage collapsed.

If, at such a time, your immediate family turns its back on you too, then why call yourself family in the first place? All it takes is a little sensitivity, a little love, a little patience. I keep running into single parents trying hard to cope with a failed marriage, while presenting a tough facade. Having been there, I can identify with the emotion. No matter what anybody says, it isn’t easy. Never was, never will be. Society is not known for its kindness. When the chips are down, you have just one person to fall back on—yourself!

2 comments:

KL said...

Ah! very nicely written. I guess it's human nature to take the upper hand in any situation. Not only parents, but we also commit such behaviours with our dear ones often. For instance, I ask my friend not to buy certain brand of car. Then when she buys it and fails, instead of giving her sympathy, our first statement will be, "I told you so." Lessons to be learned from this post, not only by parents, but all of us that we should show sympathy during time of needs and despairs. Then, when everything is finally cooled down, then do a soft constructive criticism - not for the sake of criticizing but teaching your loved ones what to look for in life or how to lead it, and so on..

Manish said...

I will communicate ur appriciation to Shobha Dey :)! These excerpts are from her new book.

." Lessons to be learned from this post, not only by parents, but all of us that we should show sympathy during time of needs and despairs. Then, when everything is finally cooled down, then do a soft constructive criticism - not for the sake of criticizing but teaching your loved ones what to look for in life or how to lead it, and so on..

Absolutely correct KL !that should be the ideal role of parents /wellwishers.